13 Feb Self-Love

I am a very self-critical person. Strict, insecure, disciplined and a perfectionist. I rarely feel real satisfaction, but when i do, it feels like heaven. All of this leads to a dangerous mixture of never-ending drive. No state is good enough, I am never good enough, every day is a new search for the best version of myself. Whatever that means.

If I reach a goal, i am already searching for the next one and i never really enjoy the beautiful moment of happiness and pride. And if i do, it only lasts for a short time. I am not an easy person, but I do have a big heart. I care too much about everybody else’s feelings before i even think about myself. I overthink, i over apologize, i over forgive – at least this is how i treat everybody else.

But if I make mistakes, i rarely forgive myself. I am playing the role of the strong and independent woman and most of the time, it feels quite easy to fit into it. I am restless, sometimes obsessive, i don’t want to seem weak, and I rarely move out of my comfort zone because that would cause possible failure. I often question myself and my behaviour just because others are different and act different. I am an introvert and I always listen to music. I don’t need it to motivate myself. I need the music to escape from my overthinking brain.

It‘s Valentine’s Day tomorrow, the day of love and contrary to social beliefs, I buy neither chocolates nor flowers. I want to use the day and dedicate it to myself instead. I want to remind myself once again that I don’t always have to or just can’t be strong every day. I want to remind myself, that sometimes I should let it go, live with the flow and trust in life, and that control is not always good for me or my environment. I want to be proud of myself, proud of the woman I’ve become and I want to tell myself that some quirks are perfectly fine because they make me the person I am. I have a mania for order, I am dreamy, I like to be alone and to act like a lone wolf sometimes, I like to be introverted and just as much I like to be surrounded by my loved ones.

Yes, I do have a big heart and to celebrate Valentine’s Day I’m giving it to myself. Because most of the time I do like me – this overthinking grumpy head, listening to epic music, running on trails, knowing that she’s not perfect – which is totally fine.