27 Jun Heal Yourself

„The more I tried to wear the mask of joy and indifference, the less I believed in it myself.“

Two days have passed since the marathon du Mont-Blanc. Two days full of emotions, full of tears and full of conversations that helped me to classify the situation and my DNF. Believe me, to drop out of the race which meant so much to me, at kilometer 30 was such a difficult one, but it was the right call.

It was an incredibly nice feeling to be able to start in the midst of these strong women and the first 15 kilometers went well. I found a group and we pushed each other. At the first big climb my stomach shut down – again. At the first steep downhill my breathing blocked – again. At the second aid station I considered to stop the race. But i kept going, as my legs felt good and also mentally i did not feel the need to be negative.

But man, it did not get any better and 10 Kilometers later, i stopped. I didn’t want to drag myself to the finish and honestly, I didn’t want to finish in a time that was way below my expectations. I took off my bib, hid it in my backpack and ran back to Chamonix. Just in time to see Bianca finish as 12th lady. I tried to pull myself together. For my teammates, as all of them just smashed it that day. But the more I tried to wear a mask of joy and indifference, the less I believed in it myself.

I went home and I stayed there, I allowed the tears to come and I felt weak. Honestly, self-doubt was high and it still is. I had only one good race this year, all the others were troublesome and none reflected my performance. In the past few days and also in Garmisch after ZUT, I have often asked myself whether it is time to admit to myself that I am without competition, compared to all the strong women out there.

I train more then I ever have, I moved to Chamonix, subordinated everything to running – and I’m experiencing one setback after another. I’ve had tough months, lots of change, little break, and incredibly high pressure (self-made).I have moved and therefore i am living in a long distance relationship now. I feel torn since I’ve been in Chamonix because I constantly feel the need to be where i can’t be right now. I want to explore the trails on my doorstep but I don’t have any energy left in my legs because my head is constantly working. I’m having a hard time to be positive, even though everything is more then ok. I have been feeling burnt out for some time now.

„I went home and I stayed there, I allowed the tears to come and I felt weak.“

I don’t want to be dramatic in this post, so here’s the positive conclusion:

I know what I can do. I know that I am a strong athlete and that there is so much more strength in my body than I have been able to show so far this season. I do know about my privileged life and i really much am thankful every day. But with all the training, all the high self-expectations and everything else that is important in life, I forgot a little bit about myself. I rarely allowed myself to rest and even less did I want to admit to myself that I have limits. Physically and mentally.

„I rarely allowed myself to rest and even less did I want to admit to myself that I have limits. Physically and mentally.“

I notice more and more that our sport is changing. It gets more attention, it becomes more professional. There is never enough training, less listening to the body, more competing against each other. I myself have run a few races at a time. Not just for the fun of it, but more out of the feeling that I had to prove myself and my performance. Sure, it’s part of the game and competitive sports. But on Sunday I met some women (and men) who were tired. Before the race has even started. Athletes who had run long and strenuous competitions only a few days ago and whose bodies were not even fully recovered. One competition after the other, constantly tired already at the start line and under even more pressure because nothing works out any more. Nah. Time to stop racing for a while. Time to stop comparing myself for a while.

It’s all good, but now my apartment in Chamonix, my own coffee mug in the morning, and my own routine are all I want and need right now.

„Be smarter every day by listening to your intuition, looking at the world with your forehead. Jump, dance, sing, so that you live happier. Heal yourself, with beautiful love, and always remember: You are the medicine.“